Memories

Nancy Atwell has created a writing course called "Lessons That Change Writers". I have never followed the whole program. I take bits and pieces. One piece I use is called "Questions For Memoirist". Some of these questions cut deep. Very deep. We run through the list of about 20 questions. I say they can answer with 1 or 2 sentences. Then they choose 10 of those and write short paragraphs. This is some of what they have to say:

N responds superficially to most of the questions. I tell him I need more. He says he can't. He is squiriming. Finally I say alright. Write me a paragraph about why you don't want to write about these questions.

Why I don't wanna right more questionz.

These questions cut into my personal life and make me note how fucked up my life really is I may be a piece of shit but at least I dont want to know it I mean I come to school I do my chores I ask to get out of my fucking house is that really that fucking bad. I mean god damit all I want is some me time kik it with my homeys or something else than be the bitch of the house I hate being the one they always give shit Im to blame for every fucking thing she spends 1,000 dollars on her fuckin fake ass daughter not even her own kid doesnt get me shit even though she know I aint got nothin and that bitch is a hoe my own fuckin mom doesnt even love me my goddam dad was never there for me and always left me for some bitch only one who ever took care of me was my brother and other than that I HATE my FAMILY.

R-2 What's something that happened to me at school that I will always remember?

Long Day At School

It was a long day at school when I got frustrated at my teacher because she was hounding me about my candy I was eating so I threw it and I didn't try to hit her but it did so she sent me to see the counselor and he told me to tell him what's on my mind and that everything was confidential but he lied to me. So I told him what I thought and I said I felt like shooting her but I didn't say it I drew a picture of it. The next day I went to the bus stop and wondered why the bus didn't pick me up so I went home and the police were there to pick me up and I got charged with terroristic threats.

What's a time with a parent that I will never forget?

Wrong Place at the Wrong Time


Me and my dad were just chillen and we heard a loud knock at the door that sounded like a police knock and my dad got spooked because he had a warrant for his arrest so the police yell search warrant and come through the door and find my dad hiding and they let the dog loose on him. He had to go to the hospital then to prison for almost 5 years. Felon + gun = 5years federal prison.

What's an incident that changed how I think or feel about something?

My fathers past is becoming my future

Seeing my dad do wrong made me want to do wrong until I kept going to jail like him. I started getting sick of being behind closed doors not being able to do what I wanted to do. Then I read this book that had a saying that said my fathers past is becoming my future so I tried to change my ways and it worked so far.

And then there is this.

L- What have I seen that I can't forget?

The Real Shit

The real shit that I’ve seen is my mom being naked and all I could do is turn my head fast as I can but no good. It was burned in my head. I tried thinking of Power Rangers but it didn't work. So now I cant even look at my mom the same no more. But she still is my mom even though what I saw was nasty. But I still love her the same amount.

More to come...

Perilous

The Crossroads is only the beginning of the journey. It is the merging and separation of 2 worlds. It is neither here nor there. It is a place fraught with peril. Who will still be with us in June?

B shows up 45 minutes late. He is nervous and unsure. He searches for my disapproval in a glance. He has court in 3 days. Later he asks "So how do you think I'm doin?" He has missed 4 days. Been late all the rest but 1. Missed his 1st counseling session. I say he's not doin so good. We won't be able to do this all year. His time is running out. They will force other options. There is a lot of work to do. He can do it. The choice is his. Even though it is beyond him. In many ways it is so beyond him. At this point all I can do is throw the dice and pray for luck.

N is in JDC. He will be there for at least 2 weeks. He is out of control at home and refuses to cooperate. We will wait for him. Things do not look good.

B-2 shows up 1/2 hour late. He missed last Thursday. His parents have called his PO. He says he is sick. His face is puffy and he seems congested. He is wearing a white parka that seems to fit him too small. He sits in a daze. His PO is gathering force.

L is not here today. This makes 2. It is hard to reach his dad. He works in a vault in a bank. We always get his voice-mail. He always responds with good intentions and concerns. L does not seem to do well on Mondays. It seems he spends the weekend at his mother's and must transition back to his father's late Sunday. 2 days is not bad but we are just getting started. It is easy for these things to tumble out of control.

R-1 is back. His PO did not find him over the weekend to give him his gift of 48 hours. He said that L was havig contractions and that he had to take her to the hospital. He could not call. He had no minutes on his cell. His home phone is disconnected. His PO comes by to see him but we are on a walk to the bridge. He knows now that his PO is gathering force.

A-2 is not here. He is always here. But not today. His father calls. Things are not good at home. A-2 refuses to go to school because he has no shoes. His father says there are 6 pairs in the closet. His headphones are an issue It's the gangster rap. He wears them constantly. His father says he does it to shut them out. He wants no part of his family. Except for the shoes. His father will take him to get new shoes.

We walk to the bridge. A perfect fall day. Our days like this are numbered. By Wednesday it will be wet and cold. Then it will get worse. I tell R-2 he is doing well. Friday is mid-quarter. He must not miss a day. He needs all his credits at mid-quarter. He says he will try but makes no promises. They have had no electricty since Friday. The house is cold. What do you do with out lights and heat? Nothing he says but sit in the dark with blankets and candles. Use cold water.

Our days like this are numbered. By Wednesday it will be wet and cold...then it will get worse.

Love is the Law

Sometimes the POs must do their jobs. I have never really met one with bad intentions. I need for the POs to do their jobs. Otherwise some of the young Masters get lax about their commitments. During the last week B. has been up to his old tricks. He missed 2 days. He and his mother missed an appointment with L. His mother says he has been staying up all night. He is skipping his meds. She is going to start counting them. Oops. Yes. She forgot about the appointment. His PO drops in. B. is not here. It is lunch. Court is getting close. It does not look good for B. They may have to send him away. B. shows up after lunch. I tell him his PO has been by. He wants to know what he said. I say it does not look good. He says he will fix it. He wants to be here. He can do it. I tell him I am not hopeful. I tell him I want more than anything for him to prove me wrong on my lack of faith. He says he will.

N.'s mother was here Monday looking for him. He did not go home over the weekend. I let them talk in the lunchroom. 2 days later N. is not in school. His PO calls. He is locked up. He has stolen money from his mother. He may be locked up till next Tuesday when he has court. They may place him outside of the home.

A PO comes to check on R.-1 and R.-2. on Thursday. R.-2 is doing good. He missed a day this week but he called me at 8:30 in the morning. Wide awake. He lost his bus card. He has no ride. He has no money. I believe him. He gets a ride the next day and gets a new bus card. R.-1 is on his 4th missed day. He does not call. The PO says he will violate him and lock him up for 48 hours. There goes the weekend R.-1. Get your ass to school.

The Pipe Ceremony

He was here when I came 7 years ago. He has gone to other things but he still comes here. He does sweats. He opens and he closes. He has had a hard life. He has spent time in prison. He is one bad ass dude. Now he can sing and pray. Sometimes he cries when he prays. His songs make me cry. No kid that I know has ever crossed him. The Pipe Ceremony is to ask for blessings. It is to honor the Spirit over All. The ceremony is voluntary. Only for those who choose. All of mine choose and I am surprised. They must sit still for over an hour. They must listen. They must respect. They could be in the computer lab surfing the internet. But they come to the gym and listen to the lesson and the story. The air is heavy with sage. The songs are sung. The tobacco is bundled into prayers and offerings. The pipe is passed. A big circle. The boys on one side. The girls on the other. The male and the female. The stem and the bowl. Inside... the smoke of the Spirit. Near the end I look across to the other side of the gym. A. has his lighter out. He is holding the flame on the leg of the boy sitting next to him...goddamnit.

The Devil

This is it as it pertains to the details. After this it is strictly the stories. Theirs and mine. The data and details and tests are spoken elsewhere. For 3 hours 5 days a week: We do current events using newspapers. We do American History starting with the indigenous and ending somehwhere around the Civil War. We do American Lit starting with creation and ending somewhere around John Steinbeck. We speak. We write. We walk to the bridge. We come to this place every day. We are left behinds. Fuck George Bush.

The characters

The characters:

R-1. 17. Tried to enter as an 11th grader but got passed to me. Not much in the way of credit. Boyfriend of L. Baby on the way. Missed much school last year. Spent a lot of time locked up. On probation. Arms covered with tattoos. Asian Blood ties. Attendance is an issue. Gangbanging. Missing school. Quiet . Polite. My biggest concern is will he stick with the attendance and resist the pull of the homies. Makes good effort in his work.

A-1. 15. Started here mid-year last year. Presents as very quiet almost effeminate in his voice and mannerisms. Lives in foster care. Mother illegal status. He sees her on weekends but does not live with her. Still don’t know the full story. Has switched schools numerous times. Expelled from another last school for bringing a knife. Said he felt threatened by gangs. Low grade non-compliance. Behavior issues. Took and broke another students sunglasses at end of last school year. His foster dad made him pay for them. During summer school he burned a Jr. High kid on the face and arms with a lighter while sitting in the back of a car on a field trip. The kid he burned has a permanent reminder of the incident etched into his cheek.

K. 15. Hmong kid. Came in spring of last year. On probation for truancy. Parents don’t speak English. He has cultural conflict. Calls himself J. He wants to be an American gangster. Down for the Bloods. Would do anything to gain rep or rank. Can be engaging. Likes to do well and get praise. Quick to anger. He seems calmer and more focused this year. I am afraid he would pull a trigger to impress th OGs.

E. 16. Huge EBD file. Mental health issues. Depression. Medications. Past therapy. Started here last year. Quiet. Does not like to engage. Does not seem to know how to start work. Hates to write. Issue with his hat. Would wear a knit cap, folded and placed on top of his head. This summer he went off in a classroom and refused to leave. He kicked a chair across a room. Last year he faded out in the spring. Left early came late. Always some drama with his cousins or homies on the street. His parents seemed unable to help. They made good to stay in communication with us but the drama was too strong to stop him. Had to meet with parents before we let him back. So far so good. Underneath the anger is seething.

A-2 . 16. Started here in summer school. Earned 3 credits. In my interview for fall enrollment he said he left school last year in January and never returned. I asked his dad how that was and he did not have an answer. A. said it was irrelevant and that he was ready to try again. I insisted he tell us the story of how it was he missed half a year of school and what led up to that. He refused to speak when his dad was in the room. His dad went to another room and I left A. with L. who is family therapist intern who works on my team. I spoke with his dad. The dad said his son had mental issues and drinking issues. He did not understand how this came to be and why his son was so filled with rage. With his dad out of the room A tells L that the teachers bugged him and got in his business and did not know how to respect him so he left and never went back. I said he must go to the Crossroads and participate and go to group and that we might get in his business. He said he would not like that but that he would do what he had to do. So far A is quiet and motivated. He is here every day. I believe he is sincere. If he continues I will pass him through the Crossroads. So far he is the only candidate who might make it beyond the Crossroads anytime soon.

R-2. 16. Came here around mid-year last year. Long history of school resistance. Initially quiet and respectful but seething with anger underneath. Family of outlaws. His father is a Latin King OG. His mom is frantic, nervous, meth teeth, over bleached hair, clothes unwashed dirty fingers and nails. Nothing but excuses for everything that has gotten her son in trouble. They are all just out to get him. Bad attendance and little work effort were with us from the start. I grew tired of my attempts of gentle coaxing. Too many breaks. Getting nothing back. Finally after he refused to attempt some petty assignment I said he could not come back unless we met with his mom. This was in April. No response to my phone calls. Then the phone was disconnected. Then she would call and leave messages but no number. Finally in early June she calls with 6 million reasons why it has taken this long. By then he is being violated on his probation. His PO is on a mission. Again everybody is out to get her son. Late August she calls and wants him to come back. He’s been locked up. Completed treatment. Now he must be in school. On the phone she says he is a new man and ready to get serious. We meet. He slouches cap cocked to the side. Latin King yellow shirt and laces. He does not seem a new man at all. I take him.

N. 16. It took him a while to get here. His mom made several appointments but he was always rippin and runnin from the cops. Finally they caught him and after a little stint in JDC he comes in with his mom and his PO. He's got a thick file. Behavior. Fighting. Drinking. Not behaving at home or in the community. He's got a sarcastic wit and a vocabulary beyond ghetto-speak. How oxymoronic. He explained that word to the class his first day. He had attempted summer school but was involved in the incident with E. He was told he could never come back.But now he is back. His prospects are dim.

L. 16. He came last year. I was reluctant to even do an interview. His file was thick with incident reports of wacky behavior.Running around the building. Jumping on tables. He is behind on credits. He's long and lanky light skinned with braids. He lives with his father who says the last year was hard with the living situation. I let him start and he is overly polite and eager. Two days later he is pouty and difficult. For the rest of the year he is off and on. We meet several times with his dad who is always willing to support. Not much changes. He never completes a task. He fades away without earning credit. In August I tell his dad I will only take him back if he comes to the Crossroads. He does.

B-1. 15. When he came last year he was 14. He presents as someone much older. His face is pock-marked. He reminds me of a cross between Woody Allen and a young Dustin Hoffman. He has a world of issues. Truancy. He refuses to go to school. He is depressed. He is OCD. I try to ask him questions. His mother speaks for him. I try to redirect to him. Still his mother speaks for him. He burns her with his eyes and yells at her. We are getting nowhere. I tell him to leave the room. The mother pours forth her problems and his problems. She is part of the problem. After a while he returns and says he is ready. He hardly comes to school. He is on intensive probation. Court order. They lock him up. They put him in shelter. They put him in a group home. He comes for one day. He comes late. On and on we go. He is articulate and intelligent beyond his years. He is bored. He only cares about the sports page he keeps folded under his arm. His mother says that sometimes he waits up all night for the paper to arrive. That's why he can't make it to school on time. He goes to court again and again. They warn him and warn him. They cannot break him. Finally we have enough. Then in August his mother calls. He is fixed. He is on meds. He is helpful at home. He is ready to come back. Everything is great. We meet. He is sullen and mute. Dejavu. His mother is speaking for him. He glares at her. I ask why are you here. We have done this before. Maybe you should go somewhere else. He says no. He is ready to come back. He is at the Crossroads. Things will be better. He will fix himself. I say ok.

B-2.16. He came in the spring of last year. A big baby-faced kid. He has academic skills but does not like school. He was on probation for truancy. He is pleasant and respectful. At home he has issues with anger. Fights with his sister. Fights other kids. He's got drug and alcohol isssues. He continues to miss school even though his PO is checking on him. He gets locked up for weekends but still skips. He ends the year poorly. Too many days. Not much work. He and his mom show up on sign-up day. He needs to be in school. Still on probation. Crossroads is the only option. So far he has only missed one day.

R-3. 16. He was here all of last year. Lots of ups and downs. Asian Blood Rollin 50s Piru. He has skills. Sometimes he is erratic. Always late.He has cusses out teachers out of the blue. Then is apologetic the next day. Smoked weed at school. Caught twice. There were a lot of people living in his house. The homeless homies.Last year he tells us that when he was 8 he had a brain tumor and now he bares the scar behind his head. After the operation he had to learn to walk and talk all over again. His recovery seems remarkable. Now he is here. In August he shows up for sign-up 2 days late. I make him come back with his mother. He is a candidate for Crossroads. His mother agrees.

Me-50. Too jaded and cynical for my own good. I have done this a long time. I have shut my brain to new things. My colleagues embrace the new and move forward. I don't care. I can't focus on the detail. The"No Child" has got me reeling. I look too forward to summers off and Friday martinis served in tumblers.I tell myself that I do not want to go back. I say these things and think I feel them. But I don't. It is ironic that the data has driven me to think outside my box about the things I know. Keep it simple. I am at the Crossroads.

The setting

Give me a small clean room. Room enough for 11 or 12 kids. The floor is green tiles. The walls are a muted yellow. The tables are oblong with fake wood veneer. There is a round wooden veneer table near the door. The chairs are green plastic but they all match. I have access to the heating and cooling system. There is a whiteboard on one wall. I let them sit where they want. It is peacful. The lights are muted. The regular classrooms are bright and white. White tables. Bright light. It feels different in here. I have 3 tall bookshelves. There are no books. Instead they have become places to keep stacks of writing paper. Folders. Assignments. Pencils and pens. The books will come. The setting has an effect. It creates the ambiance. "In here we is stoned. Immaculate."

Intro

Most of them are 16 and 17 years old, Some a little younger. They are 9th and 10th graders. All of them in some shape or form have failed miserably in school. They have few credits. They tend to be truant. Most have broken the law at some time in their lives and been caught. Many are raised by wolves or worse. They straight-up gangstas.For some reason I like them. But they cannot go on like this. I cannot go on like this. Something has got to change. This could be their last chance. They are at the crossroads. I am at the crossroads. We are Masters of the Crossroads. The devil is always in the detail...the devil is always in the deal.